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Deviant for 6 Years
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What is the past? Suppose it could be 5 minutes or 5 years ago but it is all the past when you think about it right? So if you continue to bring up the past where is the relevance?

Now if you continue do something and have the intentions to continue this behavior should you be held accountable for those actions? I am currently having a very existential moment. What do we let go of? Do we become like Buddha or Jesus and let go of all worldly attachments? Great in theory harder in practice...
  • Mood: Wow!
  • Reading: Born To Run
  • Watching: Leaves change colors
  • Drinking: Wine
It is strange how on the inside edge of trauma it is raw like an open cut. But on the other side it can become dull like a scar or even just fade away.

I keep myself busy perhaps too busy, in a frenetic haze of activity I am not really spending quality down time with myself. Do I need this? Am I afraid of this? Is it ok for me to be different after 20 years? Is it ok for me to who I want to be not who everyone expects or wants me to be?

I am tired of being yanked around by a chain of hurt and neglect however and will eventually find my own way back to a new normal...
  • Mood: Wow!
  • Reading: Born To Run
  • Watching: Leaves change colors
  • Drinking: Wine
I have found new definitions or at least experiences in these areas lately.

In the past 20 years I have been with the same woman through good times and more recently very bad times. This was basically my entire adult life practically growing up together. And tonight as we take a final step toward the dissolving of that relationship I am finding myself wondering where or who I will be, will I be completely whole now?

This past year I will always know as the Year of Hell...A year I wished to never have experienced, but one I did nonetheless. I had been alone for the first time in that 20 years really alone and funny thing is I didn't feel loneliness. Not like I did when I was with her or around her during that year. Strange as it was I felt more alone and lonely in her company then I did when I was completely by myself. I have come to find strengths and weaknesses I did not realize I had. I have found and lost very good friends and met some entirely new very different people. I was put through something by some of my own design and by others actions I had no control over. I will never ever be myself again nor will I completely heal from this for a very, very long time.

I hope to soon find the motivation to be creative but right now it takes all I am to get up and get moving daily and understand being Alone...
  • Mood: Suffering
  • Reading: Born To Run
  • Watching: Leaves change colors
  • Playing: no more games please
  • Eating: Grapes of Hell
  • Drinking: Wine
I have strange coincidences happen but I don't believe in coincidences now synchronicity I do indeed. This is going to be a ramble so bear with me...

Now I am single I find myself with much more time alone than I am used to. This is not necessarily a bad thing but I do tend to crawl up into my head far too much before. Now I am finding myself in the attic of my mind.

I am trying not to read too much into the actions of others that are circling around in the orbits of my life. I keep finding shit gets weird, interesting and typically has something fun for me to figure out after it is all said and done. Right now I am just trying to figure out the intent of my heart, what it wants and what others want from it as well...

Women have such big hearts, but are chaotic dark storms trapped in beautiful bodies and incredibly complex minds. They do not wish to hurt you yet they do not often know what they want or when they want it let alone what you might want! Spontaneity was invented by a woman and time can often be a foreign concept because of this. Often I find myself along these rides with a person I like because they are interesting, nice to look at accompanied with a pleasant and intoxicating aroma, but am I subjecting myself to something out of fear of that lone void that parts of my life have become? Now I like to just jump trains as much as the next chap, but sometimes you just want a nice ride with the motion that puts you comfortably to sleep not a F*cking rollercoaster deathcar hellbound at ever corner!

Do I hide under my desk out of fear of the terror temblor heart-bleed rides or do I just keep chugging along hoping for that long mountain ride with spectacular scenery? Advice? Or are you confused too?


And with that I bid adieu for now...
  • Mood: Wow!
  • Listening to: Bela Fleck & Abigail Washburn
  • Reading: The Alphabet vs. The Goddess
  • Watching: Leaves change colors
  • Playing: no more games please
  • Eating: Grapes of chaos
  • Drinking: Wine
After one of the worst years in my life I am so glad Fall is here and the year has come full circle! I am a single man now and I am not sure where this next chapter of my life is going to take me but I am ready to begin it! There is no hostility or animosity to my ex either and I hope that we can find some new road to take separately but together for what little sense that makes!

I already have changed in so many ways...barely 3 months ago I started Running and found I really enjoy it! I am also competing which is something a year ago I would have not even dreamed of doing!

Anyone still reading I will keep endeavoring to make artwork in some shape or another and to keep writing! I also hope your lives are going well and that you are writer of your own adventures!

Peace & Love inc.

André
  • Mood: Wow!
  • Listening to: Information Society
  • Reading: Born To Run
  • Watching: Leaves change colors
  • Playing: Chase...
  • Eating: Grapes of charity
  • Drinking: leinenkugel oktoberfest beer
What is the past? Suppose it could be 5 minutes or 5 years ago but it is all the past when you think about it right? So if you continue to bring up the past where is the relevance?

Now if you continue do something and have the intentions to continue this behavior should you be held accountable for those actions? I am currently having a very existential moment. What do we let go of? Do we become like Buddha or Jesus and let go of all worldly attachments? Great in theory harder in practice...
  • Mood: Wow!
  • Reading: Born To Run
  • Watching: Leaves change colors
  • Drinking: Wine

deviantID

VileYonderboy
Seriously? Ok then...
Artist | Hobbyist | Digital Art
United States
I wish that I were more photogenic but then I would probably stand in front of a mirror all day.

Current Residence: United States
Favourite genre of music: I am eclectic so a variety
Favourite photographer: ...ME! HAHA!
Favourite style of art: Realism in Water Colors blows my mind!
Operating System: UGH...I work with computers...So pretty much all of them
Personal Quote: nosce te ipsum!

So you like my artwork or my photography? Get to know me on Google+
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:iconfelosoraptor:
Felosoraptor Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2014  Student Photographer
Thank you for the watch!
Reply
:iconvileyonderboy:
VileYonderboy Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I like your work! I would like to have some time to do what you are doing or at least some friends interested in doing it lol
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:iconcranberrycorners:
cranberrycorners Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014
Highly appreciate your kind words!
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:iconvileyonderboy:
VileYonderboy Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You are very welcome!
Reply
:iconlovinspoonfuls:
LovinSpoonfuls Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:huggle:
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:iconvileyonderboy:
VileYonderboy Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
What the? That was a nice one not the tackle one? The tackle one looks fun but I am sure I would hurt something...
Reply
:iconlovinspoonfuls:
LovinSpoonfuls Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm just that clumsy too. I'd hurt someone or, myself. I'm sure of it!

Safety in hugs is better. ;)
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:iconphiloscircles:
Philoscircles Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
happy birthday! i wish you a lot of inspiration for your next year of wonderful life.
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